


Wounds

by Angara



Series: Kaleidoscope [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Bondage, Cock Cages, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Enemas, Gags, Gen, Human Trafficking, Hurt, Hurt with a little bit of comfort towards the end, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Medical Procedures, Mental Health Issues, Non consensual pornography, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Not smut but angst, Rape Aftermath, Self-Harm, Sexual Slavery, Straight jackets, Underage Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:07:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23378848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angara/pseuds/Angara
Summary: "Since I don’t suppose that your daddy bothered to tell you, I’ll give you a brief explanation of what is going on. Your parents made a team effort to gather an exorbitant amount of debt. They’re lucky they’ve got a pretty thing like you. Your ugly ass brothers wouldn’t have helped them in this situation.”Loki, who has dissociative identity disorder, finds himself as a victim of a human-trafficking and illegal pornography ring. How can one survive in a world that dark? And is it worth the fight?
Relationships: Clint Barton/Loki, En Dwi Gast | Grandmaster/Loki
Series: Kaleidoscope [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1689034
Comments: 18
Kudos: 71





	1. Black holes and solid ground

**Author's Note:**

> This story is portraying Dissociative Identity Disorder (previously known as multiple personality disorder). There are still many misconceptions around this disorder and I do my best to be accurate in my portrayal and not play into harmful stereotypes. But I’m not an expert and there might still be mistakes. For anyone interested, I will link a website with information about DID.
> 
> http://traumadissociation.com/dissociativeidentitydisorder
> 
> The most prominent symptom of DID is the existence of different alters in a system. That’s difficult to portray, so to keep things from getting confusing, there are a few symbols used in this story.
> 
> \--- /o/ --- = a new alter has been created  
> \--- // --- = a switch happened and there is a different alter fronting now
> 
> I hope things will make sense that way!

Trauma (Storm)

Hunkered down, nerve-numb,  
in the carnal hut,  
the cave of self,  
while outside a storm  
rages.

Huddled there,  
rubbing together  
white sticks of  
your own ribs,  
praying for sparks  
in that dark  
where tinder is heart,  
where tender is not.  
\- Gregory Orr

The room Loki was in was dank and quiet, except for the constant humming coming from the neon lights and the occasional cracking sounds from old pipes behind the bare walls. The stabbing lights flickered sometimes, and the subtle noises got under Loki’s skin, adding to his anxiety, which was bubbling under the thick blanket of dissociation, threatening to boil over any minute.

Thinking was lethal. Feeling was too. So, Loki did his best not to do either.

He was just floating there, in space. The world he had known, that had seemed so firm, had crumbled beneath his feet within the past few hours and he wasn’t yet sure where he would find himself once his feet touched ground again.

Which new world did he live in now? What new dangers would await him here and would he be able to survive them? Did he even want to?

The metal door leading to his room opened, and a man entered but Loki hardly noticed. He was still staring at the wall in front of him, with unseeing eyes, quiet and perfectly still.

“Don’t go on ignoring me, princess.” The man huffed a dry laugh and dragged a metal chair across the concrete to sit down in front of the skinny figure sitting on the ground. The sound of metal on concrete sounded just like the man’s laughter, Loki thought, without looking up.

The terrible throbbing in his head, that had been going on for hours seemed to intensify into something worse. It felt like there was a bird in his head, ready to peck its way out like his skull was an egg.

A hard slap made Loki's head whip to the side and he was back down on the ground all of a sudden, instead of floating where it was safe and quiet. He gasped, half from sheer surprise, half from real pain.

The imaginary egg seemed to have cracked by the force of the impact because his headache faded slightly as he looked up at the man in front of him. 

He had dark hair, sharp features, and cold eyes. Loki’s heart started hammering in his chest and fear was spreading into every last vein as s/he stared right back into the man’s face.

“There we go. Since I don’t suppose that your daddy bothered to tell you, I’ll give you a brief explanation of what is going on. Your parents made a team effort to gather an exorbitant amount of debt. They’re lucky they’ve got a pretty thing like you at home. Your ugly ass brothers wouldn’t have helped them in this situation.”

Loki’s ears were ringing as s/he listened. This was simply too terrible to be true. S/he was no stranger to bad things happening but something this utterly horrible could only happen in dreams or in movies.

Everything was shifting, the room felt like it was moving in slow waves and s/he lied her hands on the floor to keep her balance, even as the rising and falling of static in her ears drowned out everything else for a few moments.

“…we focus mostly on rape porn, most of it underage. That’s the bad news. But here’s the thing: Anyone can get raped, it’s not like an art or anything. We can use anyone for those kinda shoots. But some kids can do better. Know how to act and got that special movie magic kinda thing. We can use those for movies with a little more…I don’t wanna say class, but with a little less mindless violence in it. You’re pretty, so it might impress the director. So, as long as you stick to the rules and do your best, certain doors might open to ya. Got it, princess?”

Loki shuddered. She was going to be sick. Her gaze lowered to look down at her hands, the black nail polish on her fingernails was still glossy but had cracked at the edges already. It was mesmerizing to watch, the humming from the neon lights seemed to engulf her as she slowly ran her fingertips over the smooth finish.

“I said got it? You’re not slow or something are you?”

“No.” She looked up from her nails as though she had been caught doing something bad. And she had been. If she wanted to survive, she couldn’t let herself slip like that. “I got it.”

“Then let’s go through some things. Your name is Loki, right?”

She slowly nodded her head.

“How old are you?”

A pause.

“I’m sixteen.”

“Are you a virgin?”

“No.”

The man chuckled, the sound of metal on concrete coming from within his chest.

“Who was your first? Girlfriend? Boyfriend? Your daddy? He seemed like that kinda guy.”

Loki stayed quiet. For some reason, she didn’t know. Like this area of her brain was hidden behind a locked door. In fact, now that she thought about it, most things seemed to be locked for her. But she didn’t really feel the need to change that. Perhaps she was better off focusing on the here and now anyway. That was confusing enough as it was.

“Fine.” The man didn’t seem pleased with Loki’s silence but apparently was willing to move on. “It’s better really. Not being a virgin. In the porn title, of course, we will claim you are and if you’re asked while the camera is rolling you better play along. But at least chances that you’ll faint, or puke are a bit lower. Any medical conditions? Allergic to peanuts, asthma or something?”

Loki shook her head. At least she didn’t think there was anything wrong with her, but it was so incredibly difficult to even figure out the answers to these simple questions.

“Good. Fucking hate to play the babysitter around here.” The man scoffed and got up. “My name is Rumlow by the way and you’ll call me sir. If a man called Rollins tells you it’s okay to call me Brock, it’s not and I’ll kill you if you do.”

He sounded so serious saying that and perhaps that’s what made it impossible for Loki to hold back a nervous chuckle. It sounded like these men were bickering teenagers. This was just like high school drama. The irony was so painful and with all the stress and confusion she was overwhelmed by the need to laugh. The chuckle turned into a frantic laugh. She pressed a hand to her lips to stop but it was impossible, the laughter swelled until the first tears squeezed out of her eyes and her face hurt.

“You stupid slut, what’s so funny?”

What should have been a warning to stop immediately, only made it more impossible to calm down, even as she bit down on her lip, she couldn’t get control back over herself.

What proved to be far more effective than the warning was the kick in the stomach that followed. The laughter was suddenly cut off by a pained gasp and Loki rolled up on herself, listening to the chair fall on the ground with a metallic thud.

Rumlow dragged her up by the hair and threw her down on the hard ground again, pushing his heavy boot on her chest. Slowly he put more of his body weight on it, until Loki’s breath only came out in hurt little wheezes. Her hands flew up to close around the man’s ankle, trying to push him off. But it was no use.

Was that the sound of her ribs cracking or were those the pipes she had heard before?

“Fucking whore. You could have had a few hours of peace before the shoot. But you couldn’t shut. The. Fuck. Up.” With each word, Rumlow pushed down harder on Loki’s ribcage until a quiet animal-like sound of pain left her throat. She couldn’t draw in enough breath to beg.

“They like it when you look a little fucked up. And I will fuck you up just fine.”

~

“You’re definitely nailing this look.” Loki looked at herself in the cracked bathroom mirror. Rumlow’s large hand was grabbing her chin roughly and turned her head from side to side. A blossoming bruise on her left cheekbone and a split lip stood out prominently against her pale skin. “I’ll get the camera guy to do a close up of your face. But first off, have you ever had an enema?”

Loki’s puzzled expression seemed to be enough of an answer because a wolfish grin was spreading on Rumlow’s face. Loki was filled with cold dread when she saw that glint in his eyes.

“Take your pants off. Lie down there, on your side.”

Loki was wary but scared and worn out, which made her follow the command without resistance. She wiggled out of her black jeans and put them aside before lying down. The floor was cold and hard, and she felt herself becoming absorbed by the shimmering tiles and the intricate patterns between them. Tiny little pathways, which she tried to follow with her eyes.

She could feel herself dissociating again, listening absent-mindedly to all the little sounds in the bathroom. The sound of the tap running, the soft squeaking of something plastic, Rumlow’s boots on the tiles of the bathroom, the slow drip of one of the faucets. But at no point did she dare to look at what Rumlow was doing. She wanted to go on not knowing for as long as possible.

This quiet time of course was limited, a rough hand was resting on her ass and gave it a painful squeeze. She was still staring at the tiles. “With an ass like that, you were made for this. Fuck. Wish I was on the cast tonight.” He laughed again and Loki clenched her fists, digging her nails into her palms. There were a few more seconds of groping and then something was pushed within her. It was about as thick as a finger but a lot smoother, even with the lack of lubricant.

She drew in a few short breaths, stubbornly keeping her eyes open, even if her vision dissolved in bitter tears.

“You see, depending on behaviour we use warm water. But you already know you fucked up, right?”

A moment of silence followed and of course, Loki had enough information to guess what would happen, but it still came as a brutal shock to her when it actually did.

A rush of ice moved into her defenseless body. She writhed but was held down by a strong hand. There was nothing she could do to stop it. It kept on flowing, draining the warmth from her most vulnerable insides until it hurt and broken sobs were forced out of her throat as she struggled to breathe through the shock.

The icy flow never decreased, even once Loki was sure that it had gone on forever and that it must be impossible to force any more water into her, it kept on going.

The pain forced her to return to her body, she was acutely aware of every detail of her discomfort. “Please.” She finally sobbed out. She tried to squirm away but the rough hand on her side kept her from getting anywhere.

“Tell me, what’d you learn?”

Loki was puzzled, absorbed in her pain and the rising panic threatening to drown her. She needed to come up with an answer, a pleasing one. Quick. It was only after a few torturous moments passed, that she remembered.

“Not to laugh at you. I’m sorry, oww.” Loki gasped. Her hands came up to hold her cramping stomach and she moaned in pain, squeezing her eyes shut. “Please. I’m sorry.”

For a few seconds, the water kept running and she feared that this man wouldn’t be moved by her apology, that he would keep on going…could this kill her? It felt like it could.

Her breath became shorter, everything was focused on the cramps and the numbing cold, so much that at first, she hadn’t realized that the water had stopped. She only noticed when something was pushed within her, a plug, to keep the liquid from escaping, to prolong this state. She whimpered in misery at the realization and one of the hands that had been holding her stomach came up to cover her aching face.

“To give you some time to make the lesson sink in, princess. Also, that basically counts as prep, so look at it from this point of view.”

The man got up and looked down at her. She could feel his stripping gaze, even with her eyes squeezed shut and her hand covering her face. The tip of a boot was experimentally pushed into her stomach and she curled up on herself with a pathetic little sound, which made Rumlow chuckle and do it again, applying more pressure.

There were frozen daggers inside of her now, the entire world was sharp and cold like broken ice.

The minutes passed. Rumlow proved to be a patient man, allowing the silence to settle in, to give his words more gravity. Made sure they got stuck, with the time and the agony working for him.

“Get up now.”

Loki did as she was told, slowly pushing herself up. Her breath, that had evened out slightly in the last few minutes but became shallow and quick once more, when the liquid within her shifted and moved, pushing downwards by the force of gravity. When she finally got up on her feet, her knees were wobbly, and she was sure that she was close to passing out.

“Tell me again what you learned.”

“Not to laugh at you.”

“Look at me, bitch. What did you learn?”

“Not to laugh.”

“Louder. I can’t hear you.”

“Not to laugh!”

“One more time. And call me sir.”

“I won’t laugh, sir.”

It was a sob, and her face a mask of agony as she looked up into the cruel, unmoved face. How much longer could he draw this out? How much longer could this possibly last?

“That’s right. There’s no fucking reason to laugh at anything here, trust me. Go to the toilet and take care of everything there, try not to make a mess.”

Rumlow kept looking at her as she gracelessly moved towards the toilet, struggling to balance herself. Throughout the struggle, he kept watching, not granting a moment of privacy or dignity as she sobbed into her hands. The pressure released slowly but the cramps and the cold stayed, having settled deep in her body now. She was shaky and pale as the walls once she managed to get up again, to flush the toilet.

“You’ll be expected to clean yourself that way before every shoot. But it’ll only be that difficult when you’re being a little brat, got it?”

Loki nodded, the room was doing that thing again, where the floor was moving in lazy waves and it took everything she had to even keep standing.

“Alright. With that settled, you’re ready for the shoot.”


	2. Sisyphus' garden

When Loki woke up, his entire body ached. His face, his jaw in particular. His throat felt swollen and rough. His shoulders were tense and as he lied a hand on his chest, he found that it felt bruised, just like his stomach and his back. Upon running his hands over his arms, he found that his wrists were sore too and he flinched away when he touched broken skin. The worst of the hurt was in his ass though. Familiar but in a whole new dimension. It felt like he had been fucked with a knife.  
He didn’t even dare to touch himself there to check for damage.

Loki longed to go back to sleep, to forget about all of this for a while longer but even though he closed his eyes to give it a go, it was useless.  
There were barely memories of what happened yesterday after his father had dropped him off and he had forcefully been brought to this room. He had a feeling that he wasn’t missing out on a whole lot. He could guess what had happened and that was more than enough.

It was impossible to find out what time it was, with the lack of windows and clocks but the lights were still off so Loki assumed that it must still be night. Or time to sleep. That didn’t necessarily have to be the same thing, down here they could simply make it all go dark in the middle of the afternoon if that’s what they wanted to do.

Outside Loki heard footsteps and some quiet talking and after he had been lying in the dark for a long time and couldn’t stand it any longer, he got up. The pain had been bad while he had been lying on his mattress, but it was doubled when he slowly got up. A dozen new hurts and aches made themselves noticeable as he made his way across the room and soft sounds of pain slipped from his lips as he moved.

Loki walked towards the narrow strip of white light coming from the tiny gap under the door and blindly searched for the door handle.

But he never got the chance to find out what he would have even done if the door had swung open because of course it was locked. Loki tried once more, twisting the handle with more force but of course, it made no difference. Fuck.

This really was happening. The realization shouldn’t be a sudden one, but it was only now that it buried Loki like a wave crashing down on him. He couldn’t get his head above the water to breathe and was instead dragged deeper and deeper to the bottom of the ocean, where finally the current stopped and everything stayed still. The tons of water bearing down on him in this cold and quiet place squeezed him together like an empty soda can.

Loki crumpled on the floor, drawing his legs to his chest and rolled up into a tight little ball, before some quiet dry sobs fought their way out of his tight throat. He cried quietly, from the pain, the betrayal and the hopelessness of it all.

~

‘Get up Loki, the floor is way too cold for you.’

An inner voice spoke to him, one that was kinder than most of the other ones he heard. Not that he was crazy or anything. Everyone had an inner voice. It was normal. And even if…who could be blamed for a little bit of insanity in a place such as this one?

It was a female voice, gentle and warm and Loki was used to listening to it when he heard it.  
Slowly Loki got up, wiping at his eyes. He was too exhausted and too dehydrated to keep crying, but the quiet sobs weren’t willing to go away just yet and continued to jostle his hurt body.

‘Come on, go back to bed.’

It was easy to just listen and give in. Easy to let himself feel a little less alone. Loki’s naked feet slowly moved on the cold cement until he could feel the mattress at his toes and got down on it. He could already feel himself drifting off not necessarily into sleep but to this distant cottony place where all edges were less sharp, and time moved at a different speed.

‘Don’t forget to pull up the covers. You’ll catch a cold.’

Oh. Loki had almost forgotten about that and the air in the room was in fact rather cold.  
‘There you go. You did so well. Now just rest, everything will be alright.’  
And Loki knew that this wasn’t true. He knew that nothing would ever be alright again. But he wanted to believe so badly. Just now he needed to believe when he felt like he might shatter if he didn’t.

\--- // ---

Sigyn was the one to open her eyes when the stinging lights were turned on again, filling the previously quiet room with a consistent humming.

She didn’t know what had happened during the time of her absence, but it seemed that everything had changed. They weren’t at home and the body hurt worse than it ever had before. Something very bad had happened and now nothing would be the same anymore even for her.

But that meant that she was needed more than ever before. She had a vague idea of what was happening within their mind, she knew that she wasn’t the only one to live within and that whenever she came up to the surface, she had a certain obligation to the others.

It was her job to prepare food, to eat, to keep clean and take care of injuries. In short: to take care of the body. The other parts of the mind were often incapable of caring for themselves. They didn’t eat, or they hurt themselves, avoided to shower. And from the damage she saw whenever she was present in the body, it made sense to her as to why. It must be near impossible to find the energy to feed and care for a body that hurt and betrayed them whenever they were in it.

Sigyn usually didn’t experience those things directly. She only got the aftermath and the clues and that alone was enough to make her shiver in horror.

She had always hoped that one day her work could make the body thrive, instead of constantly having to reduce the damage that had been done during her absence. But it appeared like that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.

It was like spending the entire day tending to a garden but every night when she fell asleep a terrible storm passed by killing the buds that had begun to grow and breaking everything in its path. And in the morning, she would start anew, trying to save what could be saved and do enough to better prepare this little patch of land for the next storm. It might be seen as a Sisyphus work but Sisyphus didn’t love his stone like she loved her garden.

A man in black clothing brought her breakfast. Toast with two kinds of spread, peanut butter and some odd savoury paste loaded with synthetic flavours, as well as a glass of orange juice.

Her stomach ached with emptiness and she eagerly ate the toast and drank the juice, but she kept the little plastic pack of peanut butter and put it under the pillow. She liked the idea of one of the others finding it later when she was away and having this little bit of comfort for themselves. Perhaps they would know that someone cared for them that way.

The image made Sigyn smile, made her feel warm inside and that was infinitely better than having the peanut butter for herself.

For a while, nothing happened, except for the man from before returning to collect the empty tray. Sigyn spent that time to untangle her hair with a comb that had been lying on an empty nightstand and once she was done, she braided some sections of hair. It always looked so pretty when she did that.

Perhaps she would have done something else with her time but she had no bandages or anything to care for the wounds on the body. When someone would come to her room again, she would build up the courage to ask for something.

She had just finished when the door opened once more with the same unsettling squeaking that made the hair on her neck set up.

It was another man than the one from before, but he wore the exact same black tactical clothing and his face was no less unforgiving and cold.

“Get up. Come with me.”

It sounded like an order more than anything else and Sigyn did as she was told. She wanted to know what was happening and where they were going but she didn’t dare to ask a question, after all, she had a feeling that it might not be worth the risk.  
She just followed the man outside and watched as he locked the door to the room she had been in again.

The corridors they walked through were as depressing as what she had already seen of this place. The lights were cold, the walls and the floors bare, there were no windows, no decoration, nothing to turn this place into anything slightly more comfortable. Sigyn wrapped her arms tightly around herself, the air was cold here and shivers ran across her skin like wind over a lake.

“Doctor’s office.” The man told her, before he knocked sharply at the metal door, creating a loud hollow sound.

Someone should at least repaint the doors, Sigyn couldn’t help but think as she stared at the expanse of metal with its patches of pale green paint. Most of the paint had already been chipped off revealing the dull silver colour beneath.

The handle of the door twisted and her thoughts about how to make this place friendlier were interrupted, as he paid full attention to the man standing in front of them now.

He had a round doughy face with a large forehead, accentuated by his receding hairline. A pair of blue eyes behind oval glasses briefly met with hers and the downturned corners of his mouth twitched lightly but remained in the same position.

“I’m Doctor Zola. Come on in,” He told her, and again she did as she was told, despite the sense of dread settling in the pit of her stomach. Sigyn turned around to the man who had brought her here, looking for many an expression of sympathy but he had already turned away and was about to leave without looking back at her.

“I can’t believe they got another one,” Zola mumbled to himself, sounding exasperated, as he closed the door behind her. He had an accent that Sigyn couldn’t quite place. It wasn’t Russian or Norwegian, which she was quite familiar with. “Like I am not busy enough as it is. They have no sense of consideration at all. Take your clothes off and lie down there.” He spoke to her without even looking.

Sigyn didn’t like him. He didn’t have the same kind of military cruelty about him as the people in the black tactical gear but there was no shred of kindness or empathy with him either in that they were both alike.

She felt distanced as she took off the clothing she had been wearing. There were some patches of blood on the clothing that she folded. She felt ill looking at them and quickly put them away. Lying down felt wrong and she noticed her grip on her consciousness growing weaker. Someone else was in the background, to take over the situation if things went a certain way.

But Sigyn fought it. This was a doctor, after all, she should handle this to make sure that they could be helped in the best possible way. That was her job.  
Zola adjusted his round glasses as he stepped closer and looked over her body with an unhappy expression on his unpleasant face.

“Not terrible at least,” He decided and put some rubbing alcohol on a cotton pad, picking up Sigyn's wrists to clean the sore spots there, where the skin had rubbed off. It felt like there might have been rough rope there. She flinched and closed her eyes, turning her head away.

“Stay still.” He ordered her impatiently and moved on to the next wrist. “You better be grateful it’s just that. A year or so ago, they messed up a boy’s arm. They have been too rough and sloppy with their bondage. That was an awful lot of work, I had an extremely stressful day because of it, you can believe me that. The bone was irreparably damaged, I would have needed a whole team of surgeons to even attempt to fix it but I am not granted such luxuries here. I took the arm clean off by the shoulder, like here-“ A cold, gloved finger touched her arm just below the shoulder. “I believe I did the boy a huge favour by it. He would have been in agony with the mess of splinters in his arm. And I genuinely thought that would teach them a lesson.”

The doctor went on to bandage her sore wrists and then continued to clean and treat the smaller scratches and bruises on her body. The touch of his thick, short fingers was never strictly inappropriate but uncomfortable, prodding at all those hurts in the same childish and cruel way that a boy would torture a fly or frog that he caught.

“But they have learned just about nothing. They don’t care at all for what I tell them, I could be speaking to a wall or save myself the effort of giving advice to begin with.”

He didn’t seem to mind telling his story to a person that was pretty much unresponsive. He didn’t even seem to look for an answer, just to share his frustration.  
Not that Sigyn wasn’t listening. She did. The words sank in slowly, but she was gripped by the cold terror of it, unable to respond. There probably wasn’t even an appropriate answer, even if she wasn’t too petrified to speak at all.

“All they are thinking about is how many rooms are available and how much money they can make. No further concerns about anything else. The next thing they will do is put in two people per room, but I tell you, that would end very ugly. At least they seem to realize that at least.” He continued to rant. “Spread your legs.”

Sigyn did, with a few seconds of delay. Her mind was drifting further away by the minute and her gaze was blank.

“At least not another girl. I have to sterilize them and that just makes things that much more complicated.”

Sigyn was vaguely aware of being touched between her legs but was too far gone to feel what exactly was going on, except for the small stabs of pain that still got through to her.

It felt like this part of the procedure took far longer than necessary.

“What part hurt the worst?” He asked and it took Sigyn a few seconds to understand what he was referring to. It was the first time he had really asked her anything and she was completely taken aback. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to focus again. She had to answer, even if she had no memory of what had happened.

“Being entered,” Sigyn whispered finally, hoping that the lie would satisfy the doctor. And apparently it did because he gave a pleased hum.

“I can imagine. It looks like there hasn’t been any lube for it. “How many were there?”

Sigyn shifted uncomfortably. “Three?”

“It’s hard to keep track off. Most don’t know for sure after the first time.” Sigyn felt another stabbing pain between her legs, then Zola got up and took his gloves off. There were some traces of blood on them.

“There we go. Put your clothes back on.” Zola kept an eye on her, perhaps too cautious to turn his back with all the medical equipment lying around and fished a device that looked like a walkie talkie out of the large pockets of his white coat. Slowly Sigyn sat up and got dressed.

“You can come and pick him up now. He is all good to go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you have liked that chapter! Thank you for leaving kudos or comments, it makes the work that goes into all of this worth it!


	3. Bend don't break

“Time for gym,” Loki had just been lying on the mattress, looking up at the stinging neon lights, making distant and unrealistic plans of escape. They were more of a distraction than anything else, but it passed the time well enough.

Loki’s body jerked when the whine from the metal door being opened had cut through the silence. He blinked up at the man standing in the doorframe. It wasn’t Rumlow this time around, he didn’t remember much of their last conversation, but he did remember that he had fucking hated that guy. But this man wore the exact same tactical gear as Rumlow did and Loki caught himself wondering if there was any need for them to wear such clothing. Perhaps it was just to intimidate them.  
Not that it was ineffective…Loki felt a sense of dread and fear looking at this man, even though he had never seen him before. He probably would have felt quite different if the man had been wearing Bermuda shorts.

“Gym?” Loki asked stupidly, as he got up. His body still ached but it was nowhere near as bad as the last time when he had woken up in the darkness. Great. Gym was about the one thing in this world that could make this place significantly worse.

“Yeah. For flexibility and stuff. To get toned.”

Getting toned was just about the last thing Loki wanted to do right now but he followed the man down the corridor to collect the others. It was the first time Loki had even wasted a thought considering other kids being here. He had been so focused on himself and his own pain.

This way he wasn’t sure whether he had expected more or fewer people here but seven seemed to be plenty already. After all, those were seven lives destroyed. Eight, if he counted his own too.

The first one to join was a guy with short blonde hair, a little older than him but way more muscular. He looked a little like Hollywood directors probably imagined actual teenagers to look like, handsome, tall with broad shoulders. This guy, however, didn’t have bright eyes and a dashing smile to complete the look and the collar of bruises around his neck was ruining the illusion completely.  
Next was a red-haired girl with a face that could have been chiseled out of stone. She just had something unsettling about her, even though her bruised eye made it clear that she was no different from anybody else here. Still, Loki made a mental note not to mess with her as far as possible. Just her posture, the way she carried herself, had something that set off Loki’s alarm bells.

The next door opened with a whining sound and a brunette guy was already waiting there. He appeared to be the most eager out of all of them to leave his room, and just as Loki started wondering if he was just that into sports the door beside his was opened and a girl with the same hair colour stepped out, instantly moving towards him and wrapping her arms around him. They seemed so connected, on a level that couldn't be reached by teen romance- were they siblings?

“You saw each other last night for the shoot, quit it now.” The man who was opening the doors threateningly lifted the baton he had carried on his belt. The two moved apart at that but still held each other’s hands.

Okay, Loki was pretty sure they were siblings, making everything even more fucked up. But most things here were, so Loki supposed it was time to get used to it.  
There was another girl with blonde hair who gave off the same energy as that redhead and Loki saw himself forced to make another mental note. Apparently, there were a few people here that he shouldn’t be messing with, which might be a problem.

Next was a guy similarly built as the grumpy blonde one that joined them first. But his hair was long enough to touch his shoulders and tied together at the back. His gaze was unmoving, always looking right ahead of himself. Loki could tell immediately that he was really far in dissociated-land right now. Not that he could blame him for that. However, there was something else that was off about him and it took Loki a surprisingly long time to figure out what it was.

Then it hit him. The guy was missing an arm. Again, that shouldn’t have surprised him either…but it did. Loki’s stomach was twisting as he found himself wondering if he had walked in here with two arms.

The last one to join them was another girl with brown hair, who kept her arms crossed tightly over her chest and avoided to directly look at anyone. In turn, nobody looked at her either.

All of the others seemed to know the drill and quietly let themselves be led to what was referred to as the gym. Everything looked normal enough. The floor was covered in mats, there were some weights and some machines Loki couldn’t name, as well as some bars on the walls and this distinct smell that reminded Loki of the gym hall in his school. He had only been there last week. How could things have changed so quickly?

“Look up at me, Loki.” The voice of a woman interrupted his thoughts. She had dark hair, that was pulled back strictly into a perfect bun, a small mouth, and hard eyes. Everything about her just felt overly sharp and defined. From her high cheekbones to the cutting jawline, jutting collar bones to the sculpted muscles of her arms.

“What is Loki’s first mistake?” She asked, still staring at him. “Yelena?”

The blonde girl took one step ahead. Her voice was robotic, calm but below it there was a quiver of fear, giving away how young she was and how afraid. “His hair is messy, Madame Sarkissian.”

Fuck. A mix between gym, French class, and sexual slavery, it appeared. Loki felt like laughing at how absurd and terrible this situation was, but he had a feeling that he better keep himself in check.

“That is correct. How many is that? James?”

The dark-haired boy with the missing arm appeared to be far enough out of dissociated-land to answer the question correctly and with only a slight delay. “Five, Madame Sarkissian.”

“Clint.”

“Yes, Madame Sarkissian.”

Loki looked around with dread in his stomach. Of course, he couldn’t have expected to find friends here…damn, he hadn’t managed to find friends at a regular school. And still, he felt betrayed by them for confirming how utterly alone he was here.

Loki watched as the blonde guy, Clint, went to take a thin wooden stick of the wall and stood in front of one of the horizontal bars attached to the wall. He went without having to be told to, he just knew, just like he had known to lie down over the armrest of the couch when he had messed up in front of Laufey.

His ears rang and every step felt unsure and dream-like as he made his way towards the bar and held it, lowering his upper body. Sarkissian was there too, correcting his position to her liking and with a great need for accuracy. Feet slightly apart and pointing straight at the wall, legs straight, back slightly arched and his looking right ahead at the mirror in front of him.

In the mirror he could see his pale frightened face, framed by messy dark hair. He could see the others behind him, looking at him and Sarkissian nodding her head.  
The pain was quick, aimed at his upper thighs.

“One.” The entire group spoke, all at once, making Loki want to slip out of his skin and hide away.

“Two.”

“Three.”

Now his thighs genuinely burnt, the stick felt more like a knife, even through his jogging pants.

“Four.”

“Five.”

Loki only caught a brief glimpse of himself in the mirror, his lips pressed together tightly and his eyes shimmering suspiciously with tears. He quickly looked away and straightened up again.

Sarkissian held an elastic in her hand and Loki took it wordlessly to bind his hair together.

“Say thank you.” She demanded. Loki didn’t know for what. The punishment? The elastic? But he knew that he couldn’t take any more.

“Thank you, Madame Sarkissian.” He said quietly and joined the group again. Once it was over no one looked at him again and instead focused on the woman in front of them. This wasn’t unusual it appeared.

"Every second day I am in charge of the training. Until a few years ago, I have been a professional ballet dancer. I will teach you what I know. The other days Brock Rumlow is responsible for the training. He will focus mostly on building muscle. Your training schedule depends on what body type should be achieved. Is everything clear?"

Loki was dumbstruck. If he could have even figured out a question to ask, he probably would have been incapable of voicing it anyways. After a moment he just quietly nodded his head, at which Sarkissian nodded back and turned away from him, addressing the whole group now.

“Clint and James. Yelena and Pietro. Loki and Natalya. Wanda and Melina.”

When Loki looked around, he saw the brunette girl looking petrified. Her face wasn’t the same kind of mask that it was with the others, her expression was still more open and vulnerable, and Loki wondered how long she and her brother had been here. How long the others had been here.

Her brother squeezed her hand and whispered something brief, that didn’t seem to take away her fear but at least made her accept her fate more readily.

They all paired up and started on their exercises, stretching. He was naturally flexible, so that shouldn’t be too much of a problem for him, he thought. Loki sat down on the floor and stretched out one leg like he could see Clint do it out of the corner of his eyes. He leaned forward, moving into the slight pain of the stretch, by lowering his upper body. But suddenly there was a pair of hands pressing against his back, forcing him down lower until the feeling of the stretch turned into real pain and he instinctively struggled to get up again. But Natalya didn’t move away, she only added more pressure to push Loki down.

“S-stop.” Loki’s mouth was dry, with equal measures of anger and fear. He didn’t want this. It was too much.

“Just go along with it.” The whisper was so quiet, that at first Loki wasn’t sure if Natalya had actually spoken, or if it was his inner voice giving him quality advice again. But it had in fact been the stone-faced girl and those few words, albeit lacking any kindness or sympathy were reassuring to Loki. They weren’t just robots after all. He wasn’t just as alone as he had thought.

They went like that through a few exercises, Natalya always pushing his body into the hurt with all her strength, as Sarkissian made her rounds. His bruised body screamed quietly with every push and every new movement, making a sheen of cold sweat chill his pale face.

At one time she scolded Wanda for being too gentle during the exercises and hit her back with the thin wooden stick, making her shout. Pietro looked over with a scowl on his face but quickly averted his gaze again.

Apart from that, the silence hung heavily in the room until it was time to switch positions. They all shuffled to get up and Loki had to resist the urge to massage his aching legs after the torture they had gone through but none of the others did, so he felt that it was wiser to save that for later.

He did just what Natasha had done, only that her body moved smoothly into whatever position she was pushed in, seemingly effortlessly with no resistance at all. When Loki pushed her upper body down towards her outstretched leg, her forehead didn’t just meet her knee but sank lower to lie on the mats.

It was then that it dawned on Loki why they were put through this, to begin with. There just were a whole lot more possibilities with a body that moved in whatever position it was pushed in.

Loki must have gotten somewhat lost in his thoughts because he hadn’t noticed Sarkissian approaching them until she stood right in front of them. Her mere presence made him feel uneasy and he looked away, hoping that she would simply walk past them.

But she didn’t. “Get up, Loki.” He did and watched her put a what seemed to be a brick made from hard foam under Natalya’s ankle, before pushing her body down again. This time it didn’t happen so smoothly, and the tiniest sound of hurt came from her.

“Does this hurt?”

“Yes, Madame Sarkissian.”

“It should. It makes you better. If it doesn’t hurt, you are wasting your time.”

“Yes, Madame Sarkissian.”

“Loki, go on. If it feels like an exercise is too easy on her, tell me.”

Loki nodded his head and went on to go through the exercises, some of which were altered to be more challenging for Natalya. Looking around Loki could see that Clint was also made to do the more difficult exercises. It made Loki wonder if there would ever be a time when any of them would be flexible enough. If there was a point at which they would just let things be easy for them.

But he doubted it. There would always be a little something that could be added to turn routine into torture again and realizing that was incredibly disheartening.  
After a couple more exercises targeting strength and balance, Loki was sweaty, uncomfortable and in no small amount of pain. Out of all the things that were happening in this place some sport shouldn’t be the worst of it, but it felt so invasive and controlling to shape their bodies and perfect them for the abuse they had to endure. It was sickening and Loki’s anger burnt stronger with every minute.

And just when he felt like he might boil over and see where it would take him if he quit and refused to go on, they stopped the exercises and Sarkissian told them that it was time for a break. Which meant that they weren’t done for the day, even though it had felt like they had been going on for hours. But at the very least there was some time for his burning muscles to rest.

He followed the group to a small room, with some mismatched tables and chairs in it, and watched as everyone sat down. Pietro and Wanda picked a table in the corner, and Loki went to occupy a small round table at the other side of the room. He just wanted to be left alone and there were at least twenty spots to sit, so he didn’t expect it when the blonde boy sat down right in front of him.

Loki eyed him suspiciously and the frown on his face only deepened when the boy’s face moved into an awkward smile.

“How are your thighs?” Clint asked, nodding in the direction of Loki’s legs under the table.

“Fuck off.” Loki hissed back, crossing his arms over his chest. Something was off about the guy’s voice. Was it because he was mocking him? He had been the one to beat him after all.

Clint lifted his hands and got back up again. “Don’t want to upset you. I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry. It’s…this place.”

Clint sounded so earnest then and Loki knew that he hadn’t been given a choice. But how was that supposed to make him feel better instead of worse? Loki didn’t look back at the blonde, too scared of breaking, too scared of starting to cry again. He stayed quiet, pressing his lips together.

“Okay. Gonna leave you to it.”

Loki’s eyes followed the boy warily, as he made his way over to sit at a table together with James, Natalya and Yelena. Were those the popular kids of this place? Was there even such a thing or was he just desperately trying to draw parallels to the life that was taken away from him mere days ago?

He swallowed against the heavy lump in his throat. He wanted to go back, have math lessons and lonely lunches and avoid going home by spending hours in the library. He had hated his life then. But now he caught himself wishing desperately to have it back.

The quiet conversations in the room died down when a man came in to put a bowl with a plastic lid in front of each of them. Loki opened it and frowned down at the content. A greyish green soup with some pasta and overcooked vegetables swimming around in it, as well as some toast to go along with it.

Before he hadn’t really felt up to eating, to begin with but looking down at this, he felt positively nauseous. No way that he was eating that. What even for? To have more energy for French torture gym? No thanks, really.

He put the lid back on and leaned back in his chair, staring at the spinning blade of the ventilator above them. He started to feel somewhat unstable, this odd feeling he sometimes got before he got pulled under, only to re-emerge a few minutes, or even hours later with no memories of what had happened. It wasn’t really something he minded or found unusual anymore, especially since things usually seemed to have worked out just fine, while he had been away.

Loki had never allowed himself to think much about it, let alone speak about it to someone because he was more scared of what abyss might open beneath him if he found out what was going on than he was of the periods of amnesia.

A mild headache began to throb in his/her head and s/he lied one cool hand over his/her forehead. It was a bit like the feeling of getting up too quickly, mixed with a rollercoaster ride.

\--- // ---

And then as quickly as it had come, the feeling faded away once more. Sigyn took a look around the room.

Everything was similarly depressing as the rooms which she had already seen, without sunlight, empty but not particularly clean. But most noticeably, she wasn’t alone. There were other teenagers sitting around, some quietly talking to one another, others eating in complete silence.

She would have liked to sit at a table with them, ask some questions, take part in the conversation but she found herself sitting alone. There probably was a reason for that, so she didn’t dare to get up and intrude in the other's conversation.

There was a bowl standing in front of her as well and she opened it and began to eat. It was only lukewarm and both the taste as well of the consistency was uncomfortable but that was beside the point. It was important to eat, especially since she could feel her stomach already cramping with hunger and the rest of the body ached like she had run a marathon.

At the other table, a red-haired girl nudged the blonde guy next to her and they both looked at her, with an odd expression. Sigyn briefly smiled at them, then quickly lowered her gaze.

Damn. This had probably been wrong of her. She didn’t know those people, didn’t know what had happened. Probably there was a reason why they were sitting apart from each other and she was just messing everything up.

Sigyn’s cheeks burnt as she focused on forcing down the soup and the bread, they had been given along with it. She was waiting for one of them to get up and confront her, but it didn’t happen. Only now and again she could feel someone briefly looking over at her. It was something to be grateful for because she absolutely despised conflict.

She took off the hair tie that was strictly holding her hair out of her face and ran her fingers through it. It made her face feel less exposed, to have her long hair cover parts of her face and she relaxed a little. Sigyn soaked the piece of bread with the last bit of the soup and chewed it slowly. The cramping in her stomach had faded away but she still felt hungry. She wanted to believe that this was enough for the moment being. She couldn’t grow desperate now.

For a while, after everyone was done eating, they were given some time to talk and to rest. She didn’t even try to estimate whether it was a lot or little time. It too would have to be enough for her.

A man entered the room to collect their bowls and cutlery and it was a cue for everyone to get up. The group separated into boys and girls and Sigyn walked behind the girl who had looked at her before, keeping some distance to not make it seem as though she was seeking trouble with them. They got to a set of doors and they entered one after the other. Sigyn was about to step in herself when a blonde girl blocked the entrance.

“Wrong bathroom.”

Sigyn looked back at her, trying to process the words. “Yeah. Sorry.” She breathed, completely taken aback by the harsh statement. The blonde did not answer to that, just turned around and closed the door with more force than necessary, making Sigyn flinch.

Out of the corner of her eyes, she could see the group of boys entering the second door. Some glanced over at her, puzzled. She must be looking like a freak, confused and helpless in a situation that everyone else seemed to handle just fine.

The heels of her hands pressed against her eyes and she took in a shaky breath to calm herself.

“What the hell are you doing there?” Sigyn quickly lowered her hands to see a dark-haired woman in black clothing walk up to her, with a grim expression. “Go to the bathroom.”

“I’m sorry, they wouldn’t let me-“ Sigyn was grabbed by the neck and dragged towards the door the group of boys had entered. It didn’t feel right. Her entire body was crawling with discomfort now and she kept her head down as she made her way to the last stall in the row.

When Sigyn returned to wash her hands, the blonde guy who had looked so strangely at her before walked up to the sink beside her and she tensed.

“If I were you, I’d put my hair up again.” He told her while watching her through the mirror.

“Why?” Sigyn was surprised. Why did it matter if her hair was open or not?

Now the boy turned around at her with a somewhat stunned expression, to face her directly.

“You serious?” Clint looked at her confused face for a while longer with a worried frown. “Nevermind…just do it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit of a longer chapter, I hope you have enjoyed reading! Any support is very welcome, as always and really makes my day.


	4. Witch's house

It was an impossibility to measure the passing of time. Not only due to the lack of clocks, calendars or even windows but because of the frequent amnesia that added to the complete disorientation. He couldn’t remember meals, or how often he had gone to bed. Even the training in the gym was irregular and did little to help Loki keep track.

And the other way around, without ever being able to tell the time or date, it was impossible to know how frequent and how long-lasting the amnesia was. It left Loki confused, with the time passing in strange irregular patterns. 

The only thing, however, that helped him keep track were the bruises and injuries on his body. If he focused on when the marks appeared and how quickly they healed, he could get some vague grip on the passing of time. The skin on his wrists that had been rubbed off in the very beginning, he remembered that. By now the skin was no longer raw and wet but had formed a thin crust, that was already starting to peel off, revealing sensitive new skin beneath. 

He assumed that it had been about a week since he arrived here, perhaps a little longer.

That's how he marked the day he got his first visitor: the day when his wrists were almost healed.

Loki had just returned from the gym, shivering from the cold shower and deadly exhausted from everything else. Rumlow had brought them back to their rooms the same way they were picked up, one by one. With Loki’s room at the very end of the corridor, he was the first one to get collected in the morning and the last one to return when they were done.

He watched Rumlow open his door with a key, only to find that it was already unlocked. It was the first time Loki had seen the man surprised. Slowly realization dawned on his face, joined by anger at his confusion. Watching him, it became obvious that this man hated being out of control for even the briefest of moments.   
Rumlow’s face had gotten hard and the muscles around his lips twitched, as he opened the door. Rumlow seemed to know exactly what to expect but Loki was completely surprised. There was a painfully bright spot in the colourless room, so misplaced that it was almost painful and yet impossible to look away from.

It was the first time Loki could remember seeing that amount of vivid colours in the otherwise bleak basement, with all the adults wearing black clothing and Loki and the other kids dressed in grey or old, washed-out colours. 

The figure got up and it was almost dizzying to see the different colours move and flutter with the quick movement. There was a large expanse of shimmering gold, vivid red and stinging turquoise a combination that made Loki rather dizzy. And within that whirlwind of colours was a man. He had grey hair, a golden tan and a playful smile and if the clothing had made him look out of place, the expression on his face made him an extraterrestrial. When he glanced over at Rumlow to get a clue of what was happening, there was a full-on scowl on his grim face. 

“Sure darling. I was just too eager, can’t blame me, right?

“Yes, I can.” 

“Oh, always so grumpy, sorry should have made that part of my, uh, calculations. Call me an optimist but I never assume for anyone to be in a bad mood.” The strange man laughed and lifted his hands to jokingly surrender. His fingernails were painted turquoise. They looked at one another for a moment, the stranger smiled and Rumlow glared.

“Come on, princess. You got lucky this time around. Or well, that depends on the perspective.” Loki was pushed into the room and came to stand just in front of the stranger. He hadn’t yet processed the situation enough to have made up his mind about what to think of the situation. He liked this man for his open rebellion towards Rumlow and for breaking the strict rules that were imposed on them. But at the same time, there was something unsettling about him, that made Loki’s skin crawl. And Loki knew better than to mistrust this feeling of unease, it had proved to be true too often.

“Baby, darling.” The man was now looking at him with lively interest. His gaze felt hot where it was resting on Loki and his discomfort grew. Loki frowned as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “You poor thing, you’re getting really worked up. Rumlow, that brute, did an awful job not even an introduction, can you actually believe that?”

Loki looked warily back at the man. “Are you…a client?” 

“What? No! Oh sweetheart, no. We don’t do that here. You poor darling, you thought I was here to- nonono. We don’t actually pimp out any of you guys. Can you imagine the logistics, geez.” The man shook his head and sat back down on the metal chair that creaked quietly. 

Loki had never wasted a single thought about the logistics of running this place. It was a strange realization that there even was a thing such as a logistics in place, even though it was probably quite obvious. Did hell need bureaucracy too? Probably, yes. 

“I’m En Dwi and I’m a director. A real director, not whatever those lowbrow perverts think they are. And I’m here to tell you that I’m…I’m absolutely enamoured with your work.”

“My work?” Loki asked, not a bit reassured by any of what En Dwi had just told him. His frown only deepened and he wrapped his hands around his wrists, squeezing the barely healed skin there.

“Yeah. I’ve looked at the clips they’ve done with you and I was all over the moon. You’ve got this raw talent, that is completely wasted with them. The way you look at the camera…” En Dwi’s voice was growing distant like he was talking through an old telephone to Loki. “…it’s like you look right at whoever is watching. You’re looking as though you want to accuse them, for what is happening and beg them for help at the same time. Look!” The man pushed up the golden sleeve of his jacket to show Loki his tanned arm. “Goosebumps. I get goosebumps just talking about it. And don’t get me started on you giving head. I almost fainted.”

The sound of the man talking became something like background noise for a moment there and Loki’s gaze was no longer focused on him, he stared at an empty spot on the wall a few inches beside En Dwi’s face. Only the touch of a hand on his arm made him flinch and regain his focus.

“You’re a bit pale, sweetheart. You should have a seat. I really get it, this must be a bit overwhelming to you, but, huh, I’d really appreciate if you’d put in some effort to pay attention nonetheless.” Loki recognised the threat even hidden behind the man’s odd demeanour. There was this edge to his voice, the one that always was the same no matter if it was his father, his brothers, his teacher or Rumlow using this tone.

He sat down on his mattress and rubbed his face with his hands, willing himself to pay attention, even if everything within him just wanted to get far far away from the situation. 

“I’m sorry,” Loki mumbled, as his gaze focused on the man’s face again. He did his best to sound sincere.

“It’s okay. Really. I’m a forgiving man. Heart of gold some say. Not gonna just mindlessly beat someone to a pulp because I struggle with my self-worth like some other guys do…well, never-mind. Back to the point. Which is, I do real movies, not just filming someone clumsily rape somebody. With real plot and costumes, it’s…dare I say art? Yes, I dare say it’s art. And I want you to star in my next one! Isn’t that exciting?”

En Dwi looked at Loki expectantly until the boy nodded his head. “Yeah, yeah…it’s very exciting.” When the man continued to look at him, Loki went on to ask the question that he had doubtlessly been waiting for. “Uhm, what’s the next one about?”

The older man’s face lit up. “Oh, I can’t tell you, you know I want things to be a surprise. But, heh. Let me just say you inspired the whole scene. The thing on your arm, you’re a bit on the crazy side, huh?” 

"What?" It took Loki a moment to understand what En Dwi was referring to, but when he felt that burning gaze rest on the scars on his left arm, he instantly realized. He protectively crossed his arms over his chest then, to cover the scars from En Dwi's all too curious gaze. “That doesn’t mean I’m crazy.” He mumbled. 

“Yeah, no, sure. That’s not what I was trying to say at all. I’m just saying that you give off that vibe. That aesthetic if you will. Broken, teenage headcase. All I want to say is that I dig it and that you’ll be great. Absolutely amazing. And you won’t leave the set as beaten up as you usually do, big promise. I’m less about mindless violence, you see? I take care of my people. And baby, you sure look like you need some care right now. You’re already pretty beat up, poor darling.”

En Dwi's fingers reached out to touch Loki's face but he flinched away, making the man laugh. "Jumpy. But there's no need to be scared, darling."

As though he wanted to make a point, En Dwi handed Loki a brown paper bag with a wink. 

“Some candy. Something sweet can really make life a bit easier, you’ll see. Be good, baby. The shoot is tomorrow.”

He offered Loki another beaming smile and blew him a kiss before he left the room.

Loki heard the door close and a key turn in the lock. He was trapped again and alone once more. For a few minutes, he drifted off further until the entire scene that had just taken place felt less real than a badly made movie. 

An indefinite amount of time passed before Loki was present enough again to open the lunch bag. And its content took him by surprise like a punch. He wasn’t sure what he had expected, he had assumed that candy was code for something else. But the bag was filled with actual sweets. Some of them he remembered from his childhood and the visual assault of the bright and familiar wrappers set a reaction off in his brain. The same dizzying feeling that had become more frequent than it had ever been in his life, took over Loki and he made a soft noise of discomfort as his brain felt like it was turning into a liquid and then slowly solidified again.

\--- // ---

Serrure blinked and looked around.

This place looked bad. And his body hurt really bad too. Everything was so empty and dark here. Serrure shivered with fear as he inspected his surroundings but his attention was quickly taken away from the strange room when he saw an array of colourful plastic wrappers that had spilt on the floor. He intuitively reached out when he saw his favourite candy amongst them. 

It was a little yellow box with a smug-looking black cat on it, licking its pink nose. He loves those. He hadn’t had this particular treat in ages now and on top of that, he felt very very hungry. Serrure’s fingers opened the box and he put one of the black liquorice cats on his palm. 

“Meow, meow.” A smile spread on his lips and he put the salty candy in his mouth and chewed. It stuck to his teeth, filled his entire mouth with this unique taste. He already wasn’t as scared anymore as to how strange this place was. But for a moment Serrure felt reminded of the tale of Hansel and Gretel eating from the witch's house and an uneasy feeling crept up on him.

But that was stupid of course, witches weren’t even real and only babies got scared of fairytales. He wasn’t a baby. He was in second grade already after all.

As he put another piece of liquorice in his mouth, he looked through the treasures in front of him some more. There was a lolly with watermelon flavour, center-shocks, some Daim chocolate, a chocolate of a brand he didn’t recognise, different kinds of bubble gum and a plastic banana with some white powder inside. 

Serrure picked up the hollow plastic fruit next. He knew those, the powder inside was sour and vaguely fruit flavoured, they used to sell those in summer at the kiosk by the lake. Looking at it reminded him of swimming and running around in never-ending sunshine, avoiding to go home until there was no way around it anymore.

He unscrewed the tiny lid and put the powder directly into his mouth. Bah. This tasted different from what he knew. Serrure's face twisted at the unexpected taste. It wasn’t quite bad enough to spit it out immediately and the sugary powder dissolved quickly on his tongue. Serrure looked at the banana with some suspicion now. It had tasted just like he remembered at first but then a stinging bitter taste had spread on his tongue and he hadn’t liked that at all. 

Another black cat chased away the odd taste and he quickly focused on the other sweets he had gotten. Next off was the chocolate, that had a toddler with a round face and big blue eyes on it. The writing on it was Russian, but he recognised it because they lived rather close to the border. It was good, different from the chocolate he knew but he liked it.

As Serrure went on to taste every candy he had gotten, because he full-on intended to make the most of it and eat until his belly ached, he started to feel cold and very happy.

The room didn’t feel as scary anymore, not as he wrapped a blanket around his shoulders and went on to put one sugary treat after the other in his mouth, with fingers that slowly began to turn blue. He paid little mind to it, it had happened before.

His teacher had told him that he might have bad circulation and that he should tell his parents to take him to the Doctor. Serrure had probably forgotten about it because he couldn’t remember telling them or going to the Doctor- which wasn’t too bad, because he really didn’t like the syringes and the other scary things at the Doctors office.

He didn’t mind either when his body started to shiver slightly and his lips started to feel very very cold because the aches were bleeding out of his body alongside the warmth. 

At that point he had enough of the sweets, he just felt like lying down and enjoying how happy and light he felt. Everything was going to be okay. 

Serrure was still shivering under the blanket, as he fell into a heavy sleep, aided by the drug En Dwi had given to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now it's the fourth chapter already! I hope you enjoyed reading so far.


	5. The void

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More in-depth trigger warning in the notes at the end of the chapter!

Loki had been sitting in his room, eating some of the remaining candy that had miraculously appeared there when he had woken up. At first, he had been suspicious and didn’t touch any of it, especially since he figured that En Dwi had been the one to leave it. 

But after he returned from the gym, aching and incredibly exhausted the small comfort that was offered was too good to deny himself. He ate some center shocks, which somehow were still his favourite, even after all those years.

The sound of the key in the door was the only warning Loki got before Rollins opened the door. Nobody knocked around here. He used the few seconds he had before the door opened to hide the candy wrappers, unsure of whether he could get into trouble for them. It seemed like anything could be used as an excuse to remind him of his place.

“Come on, hurry up.” 

Loki went on to follow the man and he could feel himself growing distant from the situation. He knew that he was approaching the point at which his memory would cut again and everything would be blank. And knowing where they were going, he much preferred it that way.

\--- // ---

As things became clearer around her, Loki was glad to see that she wasn’t led by Rumlow. She had an intense dislike for the man and just seeing him made her uneasy. Not that she expected Rollins to be any more forgiving, but she had gathered some basic rules by now. Don’t laugh or smile, don’t resist, don’t complain, don’t speak unless it can be avoided.

At first, everything was the way it always was, she showered and got to clean herself from within, a procedure that while uncomfortable wasn’t the torture she had experienced the first day.

So far, she had been in four shoots. Loki caught herself wondering at what point she would stop keeping count. But that wasn’t something she should be thinking about, not now not ever. It was already on the very edge of bearable to be present in the moment, without being left to wonder about the future and the past. 

Things had become familiar enough for her to have an autopilot mode already. It was scary how easily routines were created and how quickly she had fallen into this sense of shallow safety. But that drastically changed when they took a wrong turn. She followed Rollins down the bleak corridors that were starting to become familiar to her. But then they took an unexpected turn and what had begun to be normal was unmapped territory now, leaving her alarmed and nervous.

They walked up a set of stairs and Rollins unlocked the heavy door at the top with a code he punched into worn keys, covering his movements with a second hand.   
As soon as the door opened, sounds of talking and laughter were reaching Loki’s ear and once she walked through she found herself into a world that was much different than what she had known down there.

There still were no windows but the rooms were larger and more open and there were more people and more equipment and more colours and more of everything. Loki’s breath went quicker now, and her gaze restlessly moved over the people and objects. There must be at least ten people here and for her, that was a crowd already.

And among them was a man, dressed in wide turquoise pants and a red shirt. He turned towards them and an excited, frightening smile spread across his face as they made eye contact. It was unlike the way people usually smiled at her, cold and cruel. This expression was honest, and the man’s eyes were shining with it. When the man walked up to them Loki found herself stepping behind Rollins for cover, but the man took a step to the side, leaving her exposed to the stranger. 

“My star for the evening! I’m so glad that you could make it, darling. We have all been waiting for you, let me have a look at you. Amazing. Absolutely amazing. Drop-dead gorgeous. This will be…wow. I just have this feeling that it’ll be really magical!” 

Something about this man was wrong. Very wrong and Loki could sense it. But the way he talked to her…it was also new. No one had ever acted like they were glad to see her. No one had ever complimented her like that or made it sound like she was special. On the contrary, in the short time she remembered, she had listened to insults, telling her over and over again that she was an ugly slut. Replaceable. A hole to fuck and nothing more. And even for that, she ought to be grateful.

A warm tingling of discomfort and joy heated her cheeks and she looked away.

“Come on baby, let’s send this bore on his way and get going. Bye-bye Rollins. See you later alligator.” Rollins only scoffed and turned away, mumbling something about goddamn fags that didn’t seem to phase the stranger in the slightest. 

“Come on, first let’s do some hair and make-up, we do that here because we are professionals and have standards, unlike some other people. Oh!” The man stopped and Loki stopped too, looking at him. “Outfit first. I want you to…hah. Get a kind of feel for it, okay? Want you to look natural in it like you’ve been wearing this for ages. Ehm, Topaz? Where are his clothes? I’ve seen them just a moment ago- ah there they are!” 

A large woman handed En Dwi a kind of bag on a hanger. Her grim expression didn’t change in the slightest as she looked Loki up and down. 

“He’ll do.” She finally decided with a nod.

“He’ll do?! Topaz, you are so mean. He’s absolutely perfect. Don’t listen to her Loki, she’s- ugh. Absolutely no appreciation for anything. It’s not personal. Come on now take off your clothes, yeah that’s right, no shame here baby.” 

Loki took off the shirt and the loose-fitting jogging pants she had been wearing. Everything was so loud and overwhelming that she could barely cope. She felt like a ball being kicked and thrown around with no idea as to what game was being played. 

“Come on now, stretch out your arms, that’s very good it fits perfectly, now just turn around.” 

Things became even more puzzling when he was made to put on the jacket. It was a very unusual jacket, that didn’t open in the front but in the back and she wondered how this man could think it fit perfectly when the arms were obviously far too long for her. 

With her back turned to the older man, she could only listen to the clicking of metal and the feel as the jacket grew tighter, as he closed the straps in the back. There were a lot of straps and it felt like it took ages for En Dwi to close them all. Panic rose in her chest and tightened her throat until her breath went in and out with a soft whistling sound and she was nervously glancing around. People walked past without even looking at her.

En Dwi ignored the obvious signs of her discomfort until he pulled the extended sleeves of her jacket back so that she was hugging herself and closed a few more buckles until she couldn’t pull her arms back to the front anymore. Loki struggled but it was no use. She was trapped and a panicked little sob escaped her at the realization. 

“Oh, baby. Darling, look at me.” The touch of the man’s hands on her face made her flinch but she looked back at him, wide-eyed. “They’ve done worse things to you down there, I promise. Just stay calm now, when the cameras are rolling you can go crazy all you want. Just remember, you want to be here. This is your better option. I’d hate to send you back down there to these animals. Now open up your mouth I’ve got a little something for you.”

Loki hesitated. She vaguely remembered Rumlow telling her about the options she had, in the very beginning. Apparently, this was her chance to prove herself, to have a different future than being kicked and beaten for an indefinite amount of time. Here it felt like she was worth something. People were nice to her.

Loki slowly nodded her head and parted her lips. The broad smile was back on En Dwi’s lips as his fingers pushed something into her mouth, that dissolved almost immediately when it made contact with her tongue, leaving nothing but a papery taste behind.

“Good boy. Now just let Leslie over there take care of your hair and make-up, she’s a gift, really, you’ll love her. And just…just feel the vibe of the role a bit, okay?”

~

Loki was heavily dissociated the entire time that the strange woman touched his face and hair. She was quiet and moved her head in whichever direction it was pushed. By the end of it, she looked back at a distorted image of herself. The hair that had already been a mess had been matted even worse, the pale tone of her skin was accentuated by light make-up that hid all redness and blemishes that had been there before, a slightly darker shade of powder was used to make the sharp edges of her face even more noticeable. Her face looked like it belonged to a ghost, with no colour to it.

Only her lips were accentuated by a light tint of rose.

Seeing herself like that was disturbing. Sickly, with bruises and small cuts across her face and neck she looked like a monster in her own eyes. Loki hated what she saw and she hated knowing that the make-up did nothing but to accentuate what she really looked like.

“En Dwi? All done.” The woman called out and that man from before returned within minutes. Loki noted that this must be the name of the man in the colourful clothing because he appeared a few moments later.

“Oh wow. Wow. Would you look at that? That’s the…the aesthetic I’m looking for. Loki do you see that? I literally couldn’t make this any more perfect, darling you are blessed with this porcelain skin, the way the bruises look on it, it’s so beautiful I could cry.” 

The man’s fingers ghosted across her face and she shivered in discomfort, clenching her fists where they were useless in the sleeves of the jacket.

“Come on, let’s not keep everybody waiting any longer or else they’ll do something absurd and ask for more pay or something.” 

Loki stumbled up when someone dragged her up by the straps at the back of the jacket and pushed her to the set. The feared cameras were already standing there, large and intimidating with their greedy black eyes. 

Meanwhile, the fake room with its three walls was white and hauntingly empty, illuminated by strong lights that were bright enough to make Loki want to close her eyes. There was a metal bed frame with leather straps hanging from it and as she got closer, she could tell that walls were soft. She was handled to sit down on the bed with her legs up and looked around, more frightened than she had ever been here before. Her gaze was seeking En Dwi, who had been so attentive to her previously, but he was talking to one of the camerawomen now, gesturing wildly as he spoke to her.

Loki was forgotten. For an endless time, that might only have been minutes nothing happened. She was trapped and no one around felt even the slightest need to help or comfort her through this. Meanwhile, the frequency of her heartbeat increased steadily and everything began to feel kind of sharp, kind of jerky. Whether that was due to her increasing panic or whatever En Dwi had given to her was hard to tell. It just felt very real.

Her head snapped around when two men entered the room, dressed in white and with surgical masks. It was so that their faces were safe from the cameras. They all wore masks of some sort and they were always frightening to Loki. 

“Let’s have a look at how our little patient is doing.” One of them said and moments later she could feel a hand in her messy hair, forcefully turning her head around to look at them. 

“Crazy little bitch. Has been in here so long, he probably couldn’t get a life even if his head wasn’t so fucked up.”

“Never got any visitors either. No one fucking asking for him ever. Even the doctors are bored with him.”

Loki trembled as she listened, the words like knives to her. Something about them hit home. Something about it felt too real and the words seeped into her mind without a filter. 

This was her reality. She barely knew anything outside of the shoots, nothing to put the things she heard into perspective.

“That’s not true.” She whispered. Listening to her voice crack made her feel bad enough to wish that she hadn’t spoken at all. Why did she have to sound so weak?   
“It’s not? Huh, well you don’t have much of an authority on what’s true and what’s not, you’re the one locked up for hearing voices or some shit. And ever since, no one gave a damn about you, huh? Probably no one did for a long time before that too.”

The trembling had turned into full-on shaking now and Loki’s body was twisting, struggling to free herself despite her better knowledge.

“But we give a damn, don’t we? We know just what a little slut like you needs. And we can do all we want to you. No one would believe you a single word, even if anyone bothered to fucking ask you a single thing.” 

A broken sound between a scream and a sob painfully crawled up her throat and her mouth opened to give it space but one of the men took advantage and pushed something cold and round past her lips.

While one man kept the mouthpiece in place, the other closed the strap of the spider gag, keeping Loki’s lips cruelly stretched open. She started fighting again, tried to spit out the gag and tried to push away but it was utterly useless and the men’s laughter at her futile attempts made burning humiliation sink into her bones.   
“You never know with those crazy people. Might bite your cock, off, right little slut? Can’t trust you any more than one could trust a wild animal.”

“Come on now, don’t cry. We’ll give you just the medicine a sick slut like you craves.” Thick fingers wiped the tears off her face ungently, before she was dragged towards the man’s crotch. 

As he pushed his cock past her lips, her gaze was flickering around nervously and got fixed on En Dwi sitting in a chair next to one of the huge black cameras. He was leaning forward in his chair with his head resting on his hand. His eyes drank up the entire scene like the cameras did, with their pitch-black lenses.

Looking at them felt like staring into a void. And while the void might stare back, it would never reach out to help her.

Loki was slapped around a little, manhandled and dragged around by her hair but physically she was mainly left unharmed. There had even been lube, to open her up.  
But there was little to be grateful for when the words she was made to hear were cutting sharper than knives, leaving their mark on her mind. She was shaking uncontrollably and was curled up on the creaking bed when the men finally left, leaving her soiled and aching, with the gag still in place.   
Their words still were echoes in her otherwise hollow mind.

Around her, the cameras were moved and Loki thought this was the signal that things were over. That whatever had just happened, she could slip under now and have some peace. 

It was all the more jarring when the two men from prior returned to the room after a while and Loki struggled in her jacket, struggling to speak through the gag. This couldn’t be happening. It simply wasn’t fair, it should be over now.

En Dwi got up from his chair and walked over to her, to sit down on the bed and run his hands through her hair. Loki was looking up at him with teary eyes.  
“Oh baby, I forgot you’re all new to this. We’re doing a second take to get some new angles. Just be as good as you’ve been before, and we won’t have to do it again. There you go. Crying is okay by the way, especially now with the close-ups. Accentuates your eyes. Oh, and look right at the camera.” He patted Loki’s cheek and offered her an unsettling smile before he got up again to return to his chair.

“Okay now, everybody back to work. Break is over!”

~

The second take was shorter than the first one, but it felt so much longer. 

The men now had used handheld cameras now, to get closer, more intimate pictures of her face, making Loki feel violated and exposed in a deeper, more meaningful way than before. 

Everyone seeing those records would look right into her eyes and they would get off on the pain she was in now over and over again. It made it feel like this moment could never truly end.

When the masked men turned off the cameras and left for the second time, Loki felt like an undefinable mess of hurt, rather than a person. Seeping into the mattress and dripping off the bed, losing her shape like melting wax until she was completely undefinable. 

Around here everyone was packing up the equipment, methodically, like this was just every-day business.

Loki was surprised to find that her body really was still solid and intact when she was pulled up by the straps of her jacket. The gag was removed, and a tongue invaded her mouth, causing her to squirm weakly.

“You were absolutely great! You’ll be so popular I can already tell. Perhaps we should turn this into a series, what do you think?” En Dwi’s tone was far too cheerful, and the onslaught of input, the sudden changes, were too much for her. She crumpled forward and began to cry softly. 

“Now come on. There’s nothing to cry about. First, let’s get you in the shower, the water here is hot, because you deserve it and also because we aren’t in military-kink bootcamp-land here. And I have a shampoo that smells like pina-colada, you are going to love it!” 

En Dwi made true on his promise, the water really was hot, even if it did little to give her real comfort, just like the overly sweet smell of pineapple and coconut from the shampoo bottle. But it was better than icy water and a piece of fragrance-free soap, that always made her skin feel overly taut and dry afterward.   
Once Loki got out of the shower she was even handed a cup of hot cacao, from which she took some hesitant sips, while wrapped up in a towel. 

“Aww, you look too adorable right now, with your little towel turban.” Loki froze when a phone camera was directed at her and En Dwi took a picture, despite her look of sheer terror as she stared into the black lens. “I think you’re my new favourite now. Come on, drink up your cacao, it’s got something nice inside to help you sleep real good tonight.”

Loki was not quite sure as to what exactly that meant but she kept on drinking, simply because it felt good to do so. Comforting. 

“And uh, before I forget there’s still a, huh, a little something I got for you.”

En Dwi walked around and rummaged through some bags before he found what he was looking for. A box, covered in golden wrapping paper with some turquoise hearts. When the box was handed to her, Loki set aside the cup of hot chocolate to open it carefully. 

The gift was so beautifully wrapped that she felt special due to that alone. En Dwi had been thinking of her. Gotten her something. She wasn’t sure what exactly she was feeling, her emotions were a mix of wariness, apprehension, and surprise…but one thing was sure, she was made to feel like a person.

But once the box was opened, she was puzzled. Within was a pale, hollow piece of plastic. It wasn’t a dildo, she knew those but the shape itself was quite familiar.   
“Uhm, thank you?” She nodded her head and was about to close the box again when En Dwi lied a hand on her wrist. “Oh, ha baby. You don’t even know what that is do you? It’s a little something…to make you look forward to our shoots more. You know what they say about how you need to have something to look forward to?”  
Loki only grew warier as she listened to the man speak. “Yes?”

“It’s a cock cage!” En Dwi laughed and Loki frowned. “The idea is…you wear it. And then for the shoot, I take it off and you’ll get to appreciate everything even more that way. Come on, be good and let me put it on for you.”

~

Rumlow came to pick her up briefly after En Dwi had given him a text. She was hollowed out by now. The last half hour that she had been alone with En Dwi had scraped the last bits of feeling and thought out of the already empty shell of her mind.

“What kind of shit is he wearing?” Rumlow looked at the golden fake-fur jacket Loki wore with a mix of confusion and disgust.

“He was cold. And it looks really good on him, it’s a present. Don’t listen to him, baby, you’re amazing. See you next time and be good.” Loki was kissed once more on her numb lips and En Dwi waved, before she left with Rumlow, going back down the stairs. 

“How was it, princess? You like it better with that maniac?” Rumlow asked curiously, once they were almost back to her room. 

New tears made her blind again, as she walked. Where those tears came from, she had no idea, she thought she had used them all up during the shoot. 

“I don’t really know. I don’t think I like either.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Brief mention of homophobic language. Also very harmful language towards mentally ill people within a shoot. 
> 
> Please be mindful and take care of yourself, especially in times like these. All the best!


	6. April 26th

A lot of time had passed now. The longer Loki was here the more impossible it was to know how much time had actually passed. Wanda claimed to know. She said she could sense these kinds of things, just like she could sense what kind of weather it was up there. Today she had said that it was April the twenty-sixth and that it was rainy outside. 

No one paid much attention to her, it was rumoured that she was kind of crazy.

But Loki knew that he was believed to be crazy as well.

And the same was said about James too. 

There wasn’t any evil intent behind it, perhaps it was even true. They just acted strangely and everyone made their assumptions- Loki didn’t think that they even judged any of them.

By now he had become less hostile towards the others. Sometimes he would blink and find himself in the middle of the lunch break, with an empty plate in front of him, sitting next to Clint or sometimes Natalya, in the middle of a conversation with no memory of how he had gotten there. 

Because he would never have voluntarily sat down next to them. But something must have happened that made them accept him. They also accepted his memory loss and confusion. When Loki suddenly found himself sitting next to them, with no idea what had led him to be here, they gave him a brief update on what the conversation was about and then kept on talking, like it wasn’t too big of a deal. 

He learned many things about them and this place during these conversations. Loki learned that Clint was almost deaf, which explained the strange tone in his voice. Clint told them that he had lost his hearing just a few years before he got here, a long enough time to learn lip reading and to adjust. But he carefully didn’t mention how exactly he had lost his hearing. 

“At least I don’t have to listen to any of the moans or the dirty talk. If you ask me, it’s a blessing, honestly.” He had told them, with his signature lopsided smile, that always had a slightly bitter note to it.

Another plus were the small bits of sign language they learned. It could be used to talk when one of the adults was around. Once Clint subtly did the sign for ‘asshole’ with his hands resting on the table, after Rollins had shouted at Natasha for not having put her cutlery away properly. Loki had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep himself from laughing and Clint had appeared incredibly pleased with himself. 

He also learned that Wanda and Pietro weren’t just siblings but twins. 

“Does that make it more or less messed up?” Yelena had asked, in her thick Russian accent, while avoiding to look over at the two of them, who were currently holding hands and curled up against one another. 

“I’d say a whole lot more fucked up,” Loki decided after a moment of silence and everyone nodded in silent agreement. 

The twins usually spoke to one another in Romanian, a language none of the others understood. And for a while Yelena and Natalya had private conversations in Russian too, making everyone else sitting at the table feel awkward and out of place. 

It had ended all at once, when one day James interrupted their conversation, speaking perfect Russian.

Both of them had paled significantly at that and Loki wondered just what the two of them had been talking about all that time to make them appear like they had been caught. Whatever it was they never did it again and it improved the mood at the table significantly. 

Once the two of them opened up more to them, it turned out that Yelena and Natalya came from the same orphanage near Saint Petersburg and had known each other for a few years now. 

Melina was Russian too but from another part of the country and none of them knew anything more about her apart from that. She had always kept strictly to herself and they never approached her either.

That was before Melina had been shot during an escape attempt. It was rumoured that she had made it all the way upstairs and into the garden before they got her.   
That of course had changed everything they had ever thought about Melina. Now she was more than just a secluded, abused girl, she was a symbol of hope and of despair among them. She had proven that it was possible to get out of here- but also that you weren't likely to get very far.

But even before she got the status of a myth amongst them, Loki had never judged her for being a loner. This might have been him. If some twist of events hadn’t brought him to sit down at this table with the others, he might not have opened up to any of them. But as things were, he felt oddly accepted. Loki couldn’t remember ever belonging to a group like this. There was a strange bond between them, unbreakable even after a short time, despite the very limited time they got to talk to one another.

And Loki ended up being appreciated in the group as a good storyteller. Once, after Clint had told them about his time at the circus, vaguely implying that this was where he had been before he was brought here, Natalya turned towards him. 

“And what about you?” She had asked. “How did you get here?”

Loki didn’t have to hesitate for one second before telling the group the story of how he had run away from home. How he had lived free and independently, getting through by picking pockets and stealing food, tramping across Finland with no obligation to anyone. He got up north, where he lived on a reindeer farm for weeks, while colourful lights danced across the sky in endless nights. He had stayed by the sea and watched every night as the sun lowered itself towards the waves. His life had been hard and lonely but perfect. Until one day he got in the wrong car and ended up in this place.

It was an exciting tale, with him as the hero mastering all those adventures. And everyone listened and asked him questions and Loki felt admired and important. He could be something more than this sad, pathetic version of himself, even just in the pictures he had painted with his words. 

That was until Rumlow had stepped up to them with a nasty grin on his face and Loki’s blood turned to ice. “Why would you be lying to your friends, princess?” He asked, grabbing Loki’s hair and without a warning, he banged Loki’s face against the empty table with unnecessary force, making blood drip from Loki’s nose when he was dragged back up again. 

Everyone flinched at the sudden movement and kept their gaze downcast when Rumlow looked around at them. A strong pain was spreading from the center of Loki’s face and he spat out blood when it ran into his open mouth.

“Tell them how’d you got here princess, or I’ll do it.” Loki stayed silent, apart from his heavy breathing, looking down at the table. “Don’t let that bitch fool you. He didn’t go anywhere and he didn’t do anything. He might just be the most pathetic out of all of you.” Rumlow sneered and tightened his grip on Loki’s hair making him cry out. 

Loki had never known why Rumlow seemed to have such a strong dislike towards him, but it seemed to have been there since the very first day and hasn’t ceased in the slightest since then. 

“His daddy sold him off to pay his debt. For gambling and drugs. He beat you, huh? Raped him too. He took cock way too well on his first day to not be used to it.”  
Loki felt brittle and frail now, exposed for everyone to see, in front of people that he might have considered friends. That might have ended up liking him. 

“Maybe you dreamt of running away, huh Loki? But you never did. Too fucking scared and too obedient, always walking back home. You loved your father, didn't you? Like a dog. You knew that he hurt you, but you never thought he’d betray you like that.” Rumlow looked away from Loki’s bloodied face and turned to let his gaze wander over the other’s, while a sneer formed on his face. “Loki believed that he was on a trip to relatives with his dad when he got here. He thought I was uncle Larry or some shit.” Rumlow laughed and pretended like he was going to bang his head on the table once more, causing Loki to cry out in fear before he let go of is black hair.

“Just wanted you to know that you’re talking to a miserable little liar. Nothing more.” 

Rumlow moved away, pleased enough with the amount of harm that he had done when Loki started crying.

Loki gripped his bruised wrists tightly enough to make pain seep through his body, digging his nails sharply into the tender skin, as he fought to stop crying. 

Meanwhile, everything around him was quiet. Even the twins had shut up and occasionally glanced over, looking as shocked as everyone else.

“I liked the story.” James finally broke the silence, once Rumlow was gone. He was silent most of the time, that was why his words had a different weight when he did decide to speak. “Who cares if it’s true?”

Natalya’s slender fingers reached out to loosen his grip on his wrists and he let her, even allowing her to briefly squeeze his hand in comfort before she quickly withdrew again. 

Yelena had gotten a tissue from her pocket and handed it over to Loki, for his bloody nose and teary eyes. 

“Fuck that guy,” Clint whispered and everyone turned their heads to look at him mortified. If anyone had heard that, this might just be suicide. “You’re badass. And when we’re out of here and you decide to go on a road trip through Finland, promise to give me a call. I’ll join.” 

They all knew how bold of Clint it was to talk about when they got out. There wasn’t enough reason to even hope for an “if”. But it felt good just to hear these words being said out loud, even if they had no connection to reality.

“Yeah. I’ll keep that in mind.” Loki said, his voice scratchy and he offered a brief, tight smile to Clint, who mirrored his smile and reflected it back to him so much brighter.

And ever since then, Loki did think of them as friends, even though he never outright told them that. 

Now so many weeks later, they were sitting at the table just like they did so many times before, quietly talking to one another after lunch was over when they heard the dull sound of an explosion coming from above their heads. It was muffled and quiet and if nothing had happened afterward, they would have all quietly agreed that they had imagined it. 

But this marked the turning point. Everything was about to change. Sarkissian, Rollins and Rumlow appeared in the room together. They were tense and pale, all of them were holding guns. 

“Get up. Hands behind your head and follow Rollins.” 

They exchanged glances but then immediately obeyed, getting up to be led through the empty corridors, that have become so familiar to all of them until they got to a small room. In it, all kinds of equipment for the shoots were stored. Cameras, lamps, boxes of dildos and paddles, all lying innocently and quietly where they had been placed. 

The group was urged to step inside, even though the room was barely large enough to fit all of them. Especially when Rumlow walked in as well, things became uncomfortably tight inside. 

The door closed and was locked from outside. In silent dread, they all listened as something heavy was pushed in front of the door to cover it. 

“You better stay silent, all of you. This gun is loaded. And I have enough ammo to shoot every one of you twice.”

Rumlow’s gaze was restless now, not as self-assured as he always seemed. “Natalya get the box behind you. Put gags on Clint, Loki and Pietro. Now that I think about it, Wanda too, in that order. Those are the ones that can’t shut the fuck up for the life of them.” 

Natalya hesitated but she did obey, gagging them one after the other, while outside they could hear gunshots. Her movements were quick and methodical, her expression neutral and cold.

“Be smart now. They won’t find you anyways here. There is no scenario in which this could benefit you in the slightest unless you stay very, very quiet now.  
Loki opened his mouth when Natasha put a smaller ball gag inside. She briefly squeezed his shoulder after tightening the strap, before she stepped back to the exact position she had been in earlier. 

“Now sit down, all of you,” Rumlow ordered. He appeared tense. Even…scared.

They obeyed, too used to choose the path of least resistance, to be acting up now. And the barrel of the gun pointing at all of them, one after the other, emptied their heads of any thoughts of disobedience that might still have been there. 

There were more gunshots and shouting. Then silence for a few long minutes.

“If anyone else is hiding here, show yourselves now.” The voice outside was muffled through the door. “If you are cooperative now, it will benefit you later and might lead to a lesser punishment. 

Rumlow sneered and once more let the barrel of the gun point at each one of them for a few seconds in silent warning. It was probably unnecessary. All of them were scared out of their minds, no exceptions.

There were loud voices from outside and the sound of people in heavy boots walking around. 

“West wing secured. Moving on south.” 

It felt like the voices outside were becoming louder. Minutes later the steps were right in front of their door. Everyone held their breath and Rumlow’s face was the same colour as the wall by now. 

“I am repeating. Show yourselves. It will be considered in front of the court. Just like it will be considered if you fail to cooperate now.”

Loki assumed that the people outside meant all of them. Would they be dragged to court? Loki had no clue what crime he had committed but he was certain that he would be found guilty and he was incredibly scared of that. His entire body trembled with an undefined fear of what would await them now. 

The minutes trickled by incredibly slow, the noises from outside distant and far too close at the same time.

“Move that cabinet to the side. It looks out of place.” The voice ordered and briefly after, they could hear something being dragged across the cement right outside. The noise coming from outside was clearer afterward.

Rumlow released the safety of his gun.

The handle of the door twisted, and Loki could hear Wanda’s muffled sob in the silence. With a jerky movement, Rumlow pointed the gun at her in the same second.  
“We have ways to open this door, but it will be less trouble if you open it for us.” The voice outside warned. 

There were a few seconds of unbearable silence then.

“I have a gun and hostages,” Rumlow shouted back. “Seven. All kids. It takes longer for you to open the door than it takes for me to shoot all of them.” 

“Listen up, motherfucker,” the voice outside only seemed to be angrier now that he was talking to someone directly. “Right now, you still have options. You can cooperate. Things might be bad for you, but I guarantee you personally, that it will be significantly worse for you if you fire that gun. Your buddies are captured already. Safely stored away in the back of our cars, so don’t imagine that the tables will turn again. The game is over. You lost.”

Rumlow’s face was a grimace of rage now. Loki had seen him angry before but never before had he seen him like that. 

“I need you to promise me to put that gun away now. Open the door.”

They all looked up at Rumlow, who did none of those things. The silence was deafening and after a while whoever was outside seemed to believe that the time for waiting was now over.

“If I were you, I’d step away from the door right now. The explosives are already attached to the lock. We will be entering now, this is your final chance to open the door. You have ten, nine, eight-“

Rumlow stayed right where he was but his restless, flickering gaze gave away the panic he was in.

“Seven, six, five.”

Out of the corner of his eyes, Loki could see Pietro lying an arm around Wanda. The unexpected movement seemed to have taken Rumlow aback because he shot without taking a moment to evaluate what was happening anymore. He had lost control. 

The sound of the fired gun was deafening in the small space, but Wanda’s scream was truly piercing, even through the gag. 

“What fu-“ The voice outside was interrupted by a booming sound, that made Loki’s ears feel as though something had broken inside. Everything was filled by static and there was so much adrenaline in Loki’s bloodstream that it felt as though he might pass out from it.

The metal door was ripped open. “Everybody down!”

Someone took the gun from Rumlow and forcefully pushed him to the ground. Loki only caught a glimpse through the dust and ash but it was enough to see that Rumlow’s face was a mess of blood and burnt skin. 

The rest of them were already cowering quietly on the floor, except for Wanda who was screaming and crying uncontrollably. When Loki dared to glance over at her, he could see her covered in blood, with Pietro’s body lying in her lap. He was suspiciously unmoving, and Loki was hit by a wave of sickness. He quickly looked away and stared at the ground. The air was stinking of fear, gunpowder, and blood.

There was a whiff of urine too. Loki was too far gone to even know if that came from him or someone else.

“Alright. You can get up now, slowly.” All of them did, except for Wanda. “Take those gags off. Help each other with them.”

Clint was the one to unbuckle his gag after Natasha had taken his one off. The gags were carelessly thrown to the ground and Loki wiped his wet mouth with his wrist.  
The people outside wore helmets, heavy armour, and large weapons. They looked inhuman like this, more like figures that had stepped out of a nightmare, from their distorted voices to their covered faces. 

There was a new unknown fear within him. Something told him that he could not trust people wearing masks. They ended up hurting.   
He looked at the people surrounding them warily. 

“There is no reason to be afraid now.” One of the masked people, a female spoke to them. Her weapon was lowered and she opened her helmet. “It’s over.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was a rumour going around, saying that ao3 no longer shows hits from guests. I haven't really found closer information regarding this, perhaps one of you readers know whether there's anything to it, or if it's just a rumour. But if it's an actual thing, writers will obviously see less hits, which can be quite discouraging...so comments or kudos are even more appreciated now.
> 
> I'd love to hear what you think of the story so far!


	7. Removal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Detailed trigger warning for this chapter in the notes at the end!

Loki had often dreamt of escaping from this place, of walking upstairs and leaving but now that it was actually happening it was the scariest thing in the world. Looking around he could see that the others were unsure and tense as well, hesitant to make their way up. The first set of stairs brought them to the upper basement and Loki knew it too well and not at all at the same time.

There were associations that didn’t feel like they weren’t his own, but belonged to someone else and just popped up on accident. Something made him think of pina colada and turquoise nail polish and he felt like gagging at the thought.

From there, they walked up another set of stairs and while Loki had been uneasy before, only now he began to feel true fear. This felt wrong. They weren’t supposed to be here. They weren’t allowed to. Something terrible would happen once he had taken the final step, something slippery might grab his ankle and drag him all the way back down again before he saw the sunlight.

After all this time of imprisonment, it couldn’t be as easy as to walk up a flight of stairs into freedom.

But when Loki took the last step upstairs following Yelena, nothing happened at all. There was no invisible forcefield keeping him from freedom, no one to push him back down, no electric shock made him crumple and fall back to where he had come from. Everything was…normal. Through the last metal door, they stepped into a very ordinary-looking kitchen. 

At first glance, this looked like the inside of any regular house. But once they took a closer look it became clear that this was nothing but a façade, eerie in its pretended normalcy.

The fruit in the basket was fake, the newspaper on the coffee table they passed was bleached from being exposed to the sun for years and everything was just a little too tidy, while also being covered in a thin layer of dust. Loki saw a dead fly lying next to the dusty telephone.

There were thin curtains covering the windows, not allowing anyone a closer look inside, or outside as a matter of fact.

Only the open front door gave them the chance to look outside. It was darker than Loki had expected. He had always figured that if he ever got to escape, he would be blinded by sunshine bright enough to make him fall to the ground. But grey clouds covered the sky and rain was falling on the wet grass and on the row of police cars standing in the driveway. There were at least seven cars there and Loki watched as Sarkissian was pushed into the back of one of them, with her hands cuffed in front of her.

She didn’t fight back and kept her head down.

When Loki looked over, he could see Clint next to him, crying quietly but Loki didn’t have it in him to offer any comfort right now. He didn’t even think of it, his mind was too busy comprehending the situation. And the others seemed to be caught up in the struggle of catching up on what was happening, just like Loki was.

Their entire world had turned. Nothing would ever be the same again. In a way, Loki felt reminded of the day that Laufey had told him to get in the car, to visit his brother in Helsinki. On that day Loki had been plucked out of his life effortlessly and thrown into a new world, that he was not ready for. 

And exactly that was happening again now. What they saw outside wasn’t the same world he had left all this time ago, when he had first gotten here. It could never be the same again after what had happened.

“I’ll put a blanket over your shoulders now, okay?” Loki hadn’t listened, too absorbed in his thoughts, and flinched violently when something warm and heavy was put over his shoulders. His green eyes were wild as he looked back at the face of a blonde policeman. 

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you. It’s just the blanket. To keep warm.” Loki just stared back at him for a few moments, his mouth opening to say something, but he couldn’t find the right words. He didn’t get to search longer for something to say, they all turned around when Rumlow was pushed up the stairs, with his hands cuffed behind his back by a black man with an eyepatch and a woman with short brown hair. 

Rumlow looked like a walking nightmare. His face was torn and burnt from the explosion that had ripped the metal door open but his eyes were still vicious and brutal like the pain was only amplifying his rage. He was staring right at them on his way to the door and the group of kids looked back at him in horror. 

“Look straight ahead, motherfucker.” The man with the eyepatch said and surprisingly enough, Rumlow did what he was told and turned away from them. He didn’t look back either as he walked towards one of the ambulances, where the paramedics were already there to care for his injuries.

They were all given a blanket and briefly checked for injuries before the blonde policeman spoke to them again. 

“My name is Steve Rogers, I’m part of a specialized police force. There is nothing you have to fear from us, but I get how terrifying this must be for you. What will happen now, is that you will follow me to the police cars and get inside. We are about forty minutes from Helsinki, that is where we will be going now. Once we get there, we will ask each one of you a few questions and you will stay in a protected environment until we find out what the best option for you is right now. Okay?”

They all nodded quietly to show their understanding, even though Loki was pretty sure that he wasn’t the only one who still had no real clue as to what was happening, still. Everything was still happening too quickly and they were in too much shock to process what was explained to them.

But it was easy enough to go along with it nonetheless. They walked through the rain, over wet grass towards the cars. Yelena and Natasha were in a car together as well as James and Clint, leaving Loki to sit in the back of one of the cars by himself. Wanda and Pietro wouldn’t be coming along with them, Loki already knew that.  
Wanda needed more time. And Pietro wouldn’t be going anywhere ever again.

“Sorry for the bad weather, I’ll put the heating on for you, alright?” Rogers had gotten into the car and sat down on the driver’s seat, looking at Loki through the rear-view mirror. Loki looked back into the man’s kind blue eyes and shrugged. It mattered little to him. He barely felt the cold, even though his body was shivering.  
Rogers turned around then, to be able to look at Loki directly. 

“What’s your name?” 

“…Loki.” 

“Hey, Loki. You want to come sit in the front with me? The seats are heated, and I don’t feel good about making you sit alone back there.”

Loki looked at Rogers warily. The choice he was given felt like a trick to fool him again. He had encountered that a lot. But this man seemed serious about allowing him to choose, even though he seemed to have a clear preference for what he wanted Loki to do. Which only made Loki more suspicious. Was this man really only asking him to sit in the front, or was this code for something else? What would he do once Loki sat down next to him, close enough to touch?

Loki was incapable of trusting the policeman, despite his friendly eyes.

“No.” Loki shook his head and waited for Rogers to follow up with a threat to _make him_ but that didn’t happen. 

“Sure thing. If you change your mind, the offer still stands. Can you put on your seatbelt though?” 

Loki did and Rogers started the car. They turned, the gravel crunched under the tires of the car and Loki looked back once more, took in the sight of the neglected garden and the innocent-looking house, pictured Melina running through the door and across the lawn before being shot down. How long ago had that been? 

If only she had waited for a bit longer, she would be here with them. Sitting next to Loki maybe.

~

“Loki what?”

The man who had introduced himself as Thaddeus Ross looked like his patience was running out and Loki was vaguely aware of the man looking at him, while his own gaze was fixed on the desk separating them.

“We need a last name. You need to work along with us if you want us to help you.”

Loki’s lips were still unmoving. How could he get himself to say that name? And what even for? Loki could not imagine a single way these people could help him. The whole situation was so unspeakably horrible and Loki was supposed to believe that this middle-aged man in a suit could make it all better?

“Alright,” The man shook his head. Loki wasn’t scared of annoying him- Ross wouldn’t hit him. He didn’t have the nerve. “Let’s try it differently. Where are you from?” 

“Finland.” 

“I know. Where in Finland?” 

“Joensuu.” 

Ross gave a pleased sound and finally looked away from Loki to stare into the computer screen. The keyboard clacked loudly under his fingers that put in an unnecessary amount of force to push down the single keys. The sound was grating on Loki’s nerves.

“Loki Laufeyson?” 

The pale boy flinched at hearing his father’s name, which was enough of a confirmation for Ross. That name was like a mark of belonging that burnt Loki.

“I see. Your parents reported you as missing…one moment. That was…January the third 2019. Today is April 26th, 2020. Roughly fifteen months ago. It says here that you ran away?”

Loki didn’t reply. He even held his breath as he heard that. They seriously went with this. They had the nerve to go to the police station after having fucking sold him and reported him as missing.

“I bet you wish you would have stayed with your parents now, don’t you? Many young rascals think that they’re better off running away, not knowing that they're running right into the arms of criminals and gangs. I always say the media has planted these ideas in young people's heads. They don’t appreciate family anymore. No respect or gratitude towards their parents.”

Ross shook his head in dismay. The tone of his voice gave away that he believed the younger generations lack of family-orientation to be society's biggest ailment.

“I will give them a call. You will be back with your parents soon, don’t worry. And as bad as this situation is…maybe you will have learned your lesson from it.” 

After hearing that Loki got lost in a wave of static. His vision, his hearing, his feeling was entirely blocked. He might just be caught in one of the static snowstorms in a faulty old TV.

\---/o/---

Hela followed a young woman out of the office. She kept her head held high and her back straight. She was walking towards something, she had a purpose that was urging her on.

And her clear, cold mind revolved all-around how she could fulfill her purpose. 

The woman started talking at some point, but Hela barely listened. 

“My name is Idunn, I’m a social worker and I work at the shelter you’ll be staying for the next few days.” The woman explained as they walked. “What’s your name?”

“Loki.” Hela lied smoothly. She was aware that she was supposed to be Loki…but no one could look within and see the truth. And Idunn believed her instantly, not sensing that something was off.

“It’s a good place. There is a shower, fresh clothes and warm food waiting for you there. It is also very protected. There is security by the doors at all times and no one who isn’t supposed to be there will be able to enter the building, I promise you that. You will be safe there.”

Hela gave a dry chuckle, that made Idunn turn towards her with a worried frown. Loki or the others might be appreciative of those offers, but they didn’t matter to her. She wasn’t here to shower or to eat. 

“I know what it must sound like to you,” Idunn added in an even gentler tone, just when they had reached her car. “Safety is a big promise. It probably feels pretty impossible right now. But give it a chance and you’ll see that all of us are doing our best to keep you safe, okay?”

“Yeah. I have no doubt about that.”

~

Hela was brought to a room with multiple beds in it. She counted four beds in total. A boy with long brown hair was lying on one of them, looking up at the ceiling and a redhead was playing cards with a blonde boy on the floor.

The blonde boy seemed to recognize her because as soon as they entered the room, he got up to greet her. 

“Loki,” He said, as he walked up to her and she frowned. The boy seemed to be in a complete lack of words for a moment, just staring at her out of tear-filled blue eyes. “Fuck. I’m glad you’re here,” He choked out after a few moments of silence. 

Idunn cleared her throat. “I’m sorry for interrupting. Just give me one minute, and I’ll leave you to it. Here is a bag with some personal care items and clothing, pajamas are already on your bed. The shower is at the end of the corridor to the right. Before you enter please turn the do-not-disturb sign and no one will bother you. Dinner is in about an hour and if there’s anything you need or something you would like to talk about, my room is just on the opposite side of the corridor and the door is always open, okay?”

Hela nodded her head. This woman was getting on her nerves, with her gentle tone and her sympathetic expression.  
“There’s no razor in here,” Hela pointed out once she had checked the bag for its content. “I need to shave.”  
“I’m really sorry, but to make this a safe surrounding for everyone, there are no razors here. But it’s only for a few days, so I hope it won’t be too much of an issue. If it is, come talk to me and we can find a way.”

Hela didn’t honour that with an answer, she walked away both from the woman as well as that teary-eyed boy to her bed. 

She heard the door close, as Idunn left and out of the corner of her eyes, she could see the blonde boy approaching her.

“Loki? Are you joking? We got waxed there, there’s no need for shaving anything.” 

Hela wasn’t sure what the boy was referring to, she mustered him with a cold gaze for a few moments. “Yes. Sure. I was just asking. Can you give me some space right now? I want to be alone.” 

“Yeah. Yeah, sure.” The blonde backed away from her with a frown, seeming taken aback. Even kind of hurt. When Hela looked around, she saw that the brunette boy that was lying in bed had propped himself up on one arm to look at her too. 

She avoided looking at either of them as she took her towel and her fresh set of clothes. 

“I’ll go take a shower. We can talk later, okay?” 

Perhaps that would satisfy the blonde, who seemed to be expecting something from her. He nodded his head, still looking over at her, as he sat back down on the floor to continue his card game. 

“Sure. I’ll be here.”

Hela got into the bathroom, after having turned the sign just as she had been told to. There was no lock and she let out a small, frustrated sound once she realized that. Fine then. There were other ways.

She turned the shower on first, as well as the faucet, to create noise before she took the small shelf to push it in front of the door. It wasn’t heavy but if she sat on it, it would at least buy her some time to do what she was here for. 

Satisfied with her preparations, Hela stepped in front of the mirror to take a few moments to look at herself. A dispassionate will to destroy was urging her on, like a force of nature. She wasn’t emotional, neither sad, angry or scared. There was only a single-minded focus, to break, to hurt, to end.

Hela took a step away, still staring into the pale, unmoved reflection of her face as she clenched her hand into a fist and brought it forward with enough force, to turn the mirror into sharp, broken pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Note that there will be implied/referenced suicide in this chapter. 
> 
> I can't believe that I have already gotten to the end of this part of the story. It took me so long to get there and then suddenly it was over with so quickly. I hope reading was as much of an experience for you as writing was for me.  
> This, however, won't be the end of the story. If you liked it so far or are interested in what will happen, please let me know in a comment, it's a sure way to motivate me to work on the new chapters :)  
> I'll take a few days of a break from uploading daily to work on part two of this series, but I'll try to keep the wait short!

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked that chapter, I'd love to hear your thoughts or get some feedback! It means a lot to me to hear what you think!  
> Do things make sense so far or are there things that are unclear in the storytelling? If so, please let me know!
> 
> There will be a chapter daily, so consider subscribing.


End file.
